Perceive

Ok, I really don't get the first two on the top.  But the others are very, very real.



The end of a Tuesday.  Many many things.  But I will just say that tonight I took a drive....back home from Minneapolis after a night with friends.  And I finally cried about the deep sadness I am fighting in this week. 
. 
I said this before, but this weekend I hated teaching.  And now I am back to thinking it's ok again.  It is undeniably in my bones.  Whether or not I feel I am succeeding or failing at it on any given day is another matter entirely.  But I am still feeling a little traumatized by things that happened at a school last week on the East Coast.  You want it to go away but sometimes it's not so immediate.  Meanwhile, I am praying and praying and praying.  Confident, yes, normalizing the school day, yes, getting things done, I must....but still a little traumatized.

It was not glamorous today.  I am slogged in papers, etching out a schedule for these last tests and projects before break, minute by minute.  Everyone has a cold and looks sort of peaked, but they've missed so much school that their mom told them they had to go back.  We could all be in a Sudafed commercial.  It's gross.  I am trying to keep canker sores at bay (it's not working) and smile and take a rest and not eat too much sugar in the teachers' lounge.  (There are cookies everywhere.) 

Dust

Things seem to be falling apart really well lately, and I've been thinking about how this feels and why it is so.  Aside from world issues, like the sickening chaos in Connecticut, there have already been things in my own little corner of this world that feel heavy and tired and worn.  I took a break this weekend, came out of the bustlings of my life, and thought about these things.




It will be said briefly here, but I was completely horrified by the shootings in Connecticut.  Humanity groans at this news...I know I am not alone in this.  I hated my call to teach this weekend because it made me once again imagine horrible things that are very, very real.  And it brings to the light the things that are already haunting...who locks the door, who grabs ANYONE in the hallway, who calms the kids and waits for armed police.   

It also once again affirmed the serious responsibility and burden I already feel teaching other peoples' children.  Sometimes when 14 year olds are REALLY getting to me, I imagine their parents sitting at work, wondering about them, maybe praying for them throughout the day, hoping someone is kind to them.  This helps me remember that everyone is fighting hard battles.

Inspiration Lately

Simplicity and Snowflakes

I've once again been thinking about how fast the world goes along.  And when I want to step in and out of that.  I wrote a post about that a year ago, and I guess it goes along with the season.  I step into Christmas in December gingerly.  Not the whole part about a Light shining in the darkness.  But everything else that is so culturally strong all around us. It's truly overwhelming. 



I hear about people wanting to make things absolutely perfect for their kids.  People tell me it's fun to do, but I'm just not there yet.  And once I'm there, I hope the word perfect is not in my vocabulary.  And then there's the conversation about how many presents they have to buy for extended family and the amazing thing they found on Pinterest that they crafted (for under 4 dollars!) and on it goes.  I go on Pinterest for 2 seconds and blanch a little.  Crafting is not my cup of tea.  I'd prefer, literally, a cup of tea instead. 

There is so much striving in this world, Christmas season or otherwise.  And there is a time and place for the push, but at what cost?  I don't want to be a stick in the mud, but I do want simplicity.  And less clutter.  And 'be here now'.  Especially in this season. A lifetime goes so fast, and by this age, you begin to see what you really want to do with it and who you want around while it's happening. 

Lovely

"God is more truly imagined than expressed,

and He exists more truly than He is imagined." - Augustine

My Latitudes and Longitudes

A few weeks ago I wrote about dropping anchor in the goodness of God.  This continues to be a reoccurring theme, and a powerful one, in my life.  It's what I am thinking about, despite the mess of this week.  Despite things that are chronic or disappointing or haven't gone away for a long, long time. 



It's been the kind of week where there is rush hour, conversations with car mechanics, bills to pay, meetings to attend, grades to enter, lots of grading that still isn't done, calming students, unexpected conversations.  And maybe even a mild panic attack.  Very unusual in my life.  Very.  It gives me perspective for those people who say this is not unusual at all.

I also witnessed this big thing in every 8th grader's experience with U.S. History....this week they recited the presidents to me in the hallway.  It's intense.  I force myself to stare at the list while they wait and think.  To live in the silence and still smile a little.  To help them along with their method, not my own.  It's a lot to manage for 75 people.  It's a lot of reading people and making space for them.   There are about 15 students left today.  Then we are done.

Breathe in, breathe out.  

God is a Tremendous Author

I know that everyone and their mother is decorating their tree today because of Facebook.  It told me so.   And while I will not put up a picture of my own newly decorated house there, I will write about it here.

Hiaitus officially over. 

Today I welcomed the Christmas season.  Gingerly, because it's a slow and gradual warming I feel towards the hype of December after what is blissfully silent in November.  I took my tree and box of decorations out today and lit my pine scented candle (hello, apartment living) and then inevitably thought about the story of my life while unpacking the ornaments.