On the Mend

This week I have been sick. And I have to say that I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. (Lame play on words, but true.) It's boring to not feel that you are a part of your own life. For the past few days I've talked to very few people, and watched lots of movies and sat by myself and not said much. I haven't felt like it. But since certain things are in my nature...wanting to see conversation, people, ideas, stories, beautiful things, surprises, God's handwriting on the day, spontaneity...I have felt that my body has not been cooperating with the soul in me.  Sickness doesn't get rid of seeing life the way we do. It just seems to put it out of order. I have TRIED to go with the flow. But I am sick of it.

And the result is that I have vacillated between being completely relieved that I have time away to breathe better and rest, and then equally as caged and restless. 

Teachers tend to become martyrs about being sick....like no one can live without us and our lesson plans.  I've seen it, and I don't want to be that way.  A few years ago a colleague said to me, 'Don't think you have to be like that' and I believed him.  (I will say that sub plans, good ones, take FOREVER, and you quickly bargain with yourself in the middle of the night about what is really worth it.  Once you get over that, you're good to go.) 



So when my colleagues said, 'You don't sound good.  You should go home,' I really did not like that, but I believed them. And I went home. Plus I kept telling everyone that I was fine, and then I really wasn't. So I was well on my way to being a martyr without even realizing it. I asked myself what kept me there....and it came to this. I was exhausted but what clashed was the consistent inner dialogue of responsibility versus reality.

I think women do this a lot...feel responsible for things. I think they say 'I'm sorry' too much. A few years ago someone pointed this out to me, and now I really don't like it. I heard it a lot in others, and I heard it in myself, and now I practice making sure that the apology is sound and that the silence is held at the right moment. (There is much that is said in a good pause, is there not?) One time I was making copies at the copier I found myself apologizing to some guy I teach with. What for? Standing there at the same time? Not anticipating something? Lame. No longer. I taught a 1st hour class too. I needed copies just as badly as he did. In that moment, I decided to say it less. Or at least at go about saying it at the right time.

The thing that is calming me down right now is that I am not in charge of everything and there is a season and place for certain things to get done. Miss Christians does not do it all. Neither does Jessica, who has all day been very relieved to be in pajamas instead of a dress and high heels.

There is a way of doing this job, and living this life as a teacher, and it is very much dependent on rest and seasons and rhythm and pace. When these things meld together, everything works. Each day is, as Emerson says, 'centuries, loaded, fragrant'. I have a lot of things to put together in the next few months....mostly I'm thinking of life at school and my sister's graduation and pinning and my best friends having babies for the first time and taking 50+ kids to Washington, D.C.. And then teaching all of these people and also blowing off some steam and running around together and playing. It's fun to play in the spring. It's NECESSARY.

I seem to be forgetting what I am about. Well, I like the tree outside my apartment (the one that is blossoming that I have enjoyed so much in the last few days), my coworkers at school and how they make me laugh about real things, my students and their enthusiasm. I like correspondence with friends across the miles. I like real moments of learning where the things we are talking about in history make students ask for more. I like ambling walks and twilight and coffee early, early in the morning. I like that my friends can be silly and answer the phone like they're Swedish or trailer park families or a pirate (though that's mostly Molly). And I like that all kinds of new souls are being born and coming into the world. And I will get to watch them grow up and get to know them and be with them.

Recently my friend Allison had this wonderful baby named Grace, and sometimes out of nowhere I will miss them very desperately and wish that the miles were shorter and we could go on a walk in the same place. Last week my cousin had a baby named Evelyn, and for a few days leading up to her birthday and after, I could not get over how amazing and 'beyond' it felt to see that my grandma had lived all of these years with her own name, and now it would also be held by Abby's baby girl. In the past I had not seen the charm of naming someone after someone else. But now I do. Evelyn Faith Christians is so wonderful. I imagine Evelyn Faith Kissinger will be too.

So there are many more things that are inspiring than NOT in this busy time, and I think tonight the very best reminder to me is to 'stay awake' and 'be here now' and 'work really hard in certain seasons and then go and have fun'. There is an unmistakable grace in the sesason of spring. Sometimes it's so beautiful that I don't know how to take it in. I had that feeling a few nights ago, right before I went to bed. I felt crummy, and yes, it was 8 pm, and the sun was still setting, but before I crawled into bed, I looked out the window and saw twilight happening in my neighborhood and I thought of this quote...

'The day is done, the sun has set, yet light still tints the sky;
My heart stands still in reverence, for God is passing by.'

That was written by Ruth Alta Wagner, and I found it to be perfectly applicable to that moment. So maybe I haven't been that far away from life right in front of me after all. I have lots of grading and e-mails and planning and organizing to do when I return to school tomorrow.  I like my work and want to get back and sort it out.  But I am also very much in a mood to cast off cares and sickness and embrace spring with a bunch of my favorite people. 

Anyone? Anyone? Let's talk.