Unthawed

            For a while now I have been talking about July being a time of respite from the world.  Breathing room for the deep cleaning that didn’t happen this spring when my world was everything middle school.  And now it is July and I am back at home, actually with no plans to go anywhere too far as I just learned yesterday that my car needs a major repair.   It is time to buckle down and clean.

            The car situation is disappointing, but whatever, it will get fixed and will work out somehow.  I work with fair car people, and that is always a great relief.  The owner of the shop used to be an engineer with NASA and really likes working with machines, so he explains things really well.  Every time.  But he doesn’t over explain himself….he expects you to have a brain and be following along.  Sometimes when I go to this place I find that I am very grateful for any experience I have with my extended family in Iowa. 

There seems to be a way of being if you are an Iowa farmer, and it’s based on things like common sense and application of common sense and having a certain kind of work ethic, and sometimes being ok with silence and knowing how to shoot the breeze, which is always a mix of being astonished about certain things and then letting the rest of the story go.   My dad and uncles are really good at shooting the breeze.  This is of course a futile attempt to explain a subculture that I know and love, but it’s something.  I like to shoot the breeze with people but I did have to learn it. 

Shooting the breeze is vastly different from some of the experiences I had while growing up in Northfield.  One example.  My senior class staged a walk-out to protest the war in 2003 and not all, but definitely some, were found dancing in the rain one day in the town square instead of being in 4^th hour.   In 27 short years, I do feel like that I’ve been able to see lots of American subcultures.  It has made life very interesting.  And things overlap you know…they come back to you in strange ways.  Which makes life interesting in a new direction.  And so it goes.

I will just say that I had a very different kind of conversation with a friend over coffee at Panera in the morning compared ot my afternoon at the repair shop.  I appreciate a clear-eyed gaze.  Especially knowing that oftentimes women my age hear a lot of repair shops spinning crap instead of telling them what is really wrong with the car.   I think these car people appreciate a clear-eyed gaze too.

            So I came to the computer knowing that recently  I have had writer’s block.  Big time.  Lots of words all smushed together in my mind.  It’s a horrible feeling really.    

But in this lack of direction, I have recently come to the conclusion that I MUST write.  And I could get all symbolic with the Rilke quote that says you are a writer if you say this, but I’m actually getting very plainspoken and literal in this feeling.  I must write.  Not the great American novel.  But something.  Every day, just a little, even if it’s a list or a thing for myself to remember or a short letter to someone I really love.  

The trick is to get myself quiet enough to listen to that longing because it soothes the mind.  The act of pen on paper and creating words that someone else can read (evne if it’s just me a little later in life) is wonderful to me.  Nancy Mair once said, ‘I will write myself into well-being.’   I always like this.  It melds the mind with the things that are very literal and tangible with the things that go beyond.  What I think about the day, my life’s story, God’s work in my world, next steps….and it takes time to be quiet long enough to hear this. 

Isn’t it strange that we are so busy and wild and loud and full about our lives? I just talked about this yesterday with my friend, Amanda, who has taught in Hungary for the last year.  It’s slower there.  She likes it.  I believe her.  In America today, it seems that you have to be aggressive and vigiliant about your time away from every small thing that fills your mind.  You have to know yourself and be confident about the need for introspection.  And then work to get away from all of the things that want you to multi-task through your whole day.

  On the other hand, it’s so good to be wild sometimes…to get into that creative flow when you’re doing something you really love. And to be unapologetic about it. And share it. In the end, that sort of thing is what endears me to all of my favorite people. But people miss themselves when they forget to face the quiet. 

More and more I believe the idea that you can’t multi-task and do anything very well.  Things done singularly can be things that are rich.  I need more time away than I think to clear my mind.  Some people don't seem to think that about me, but it's very true. 

I think it's nice to grow up a little and see this.  Better yet, to LIVE it.

I am always as guilty as the rest of the world when considering quiet.  And sometimes it feels like I have to work even harder to remember myself….my job permits me to talk for up to 6 hours a day if I want to.  How wonderful.  How annoying too.  If a teacher is consistently talking for up to 6 hours a day, I argue they are not teaching well.  Kids need silence in their world…it takes time to think.  Silence makes them pay attention too.

When I made myself be quiet again this morning I faced the day a little differently.  As I said, it is the time for me to face all of the little details of my apartment.  If you walked into this place today things would look like they are in order.  But I know better.  I know where things are hidden.   

This morning, for a few seconds, the tasks, even broken down, felt daunting.  I eventually turned, coffee in hand, notebook in front of me, to book I have called ’14,000 Things to Be Happy About’.  Yes, I‘ve read all of it, but that was a long time ago.  And the point of that was to underline what I liked.  Who really knows why, but the act of making a list, from something already known of and published, makes the daunting feel approachable again for me. 

I tried not to psychoanalyze myself too much and just write down the things that leapt off of the page at me.  But I think that it is clear that it’s a summer day and I’m feeling introspective.  Here is the list I came up with to break my writer’s block, and write myself into well-being.

·         The smell of hot coffee

·         Climbing up some hill at sunrise

·         Expanding your horizons

·         Large, framed pieces of seascapes (I own one!)

·         Reciprocity

·         Fog mists over violet moors

·         The rewards of introspection

·         Exercising

·         Aging well

·         Grocery shopping in the early morning

·         Catching every breeze

·         The smell of the sea

·         Dreaming of going home

·         Windows looking out on acres of woodlands

·         Things as plain as day

·         Eyes that never tell lies

·         Positive daydreaming

·         The crunch of snap peas

·         Twilight hour

·         Open rolling fields and stone walls

·         Air castles

·         Changing handwriting

·         Things not always being what they seem

·         Asking simple questions

·         I-live-on-fresh-air-and-apples glow

·         Picture-book villages

·         Educated grace

·         Well-lit rooms

·         Cake stands

·         Sweet honesty

·         Uninhibited statements

·         Keeping notes on life

·         Uncharted seas

·         Whims

Coldplay and Mumford and Sons doesn’t hurt either.   Cheers to an organized life, and a perfect summer day in Stillwater.