A few years ago, one of my friends used the term 'getting good with yourself'. Before you do big things that sweep you into the 'shoulds and should nots' of this modern life. It's such a simple thing to say, but living it, really looking it in the face every once in a while can be heart wrenching. Good you know, but heart wrenching too. I believe that you need to face things because they don't go away. You can live to be 86 years old and some of the crap will still come to you. You have to go through some of it. And so. This is what I know.
It's a nice age, this one I'm at right now. You know some things about things, but you don't know everything. And you feel the weight of the not knowing too.
I know how to relax for real now. Usually this means my porch, good coffee, jammies, paper and pen, and books everywhere. I have learned to look at and marvel about trees. How they change, how they stay. How they fill the neighborhood. I have learned that city squirrels really are not like squirrels in the suburbs. City squirrels are nasty. My friend calls them little bitches when we go on walks in her neighborhood because they make her so mad. 'Getting good' has meant knowing how I like to live in my own home, while having all of my favorite people over, or just on my own. I like simple things, no clutter, lots of sunlight and open windows, lamps in the evening, certain staples in the kitchen, 'lived in but clean', and books everywhere. Everything has its place, but the books go where they go.
'Getting good' also means that when you open the door and welcome your friends, it's about them and not you. You hug them and exclaim about new things or what you've been wanting to talk about all day and you don't apologize for your house. Why apologize? When I realized how often people apologize about nothing, I hated it, and I've resolved to change it. When you really need to say sorry, say it and mean it. And change it. But not for something as silly as your floor. No one cares about that like I thought they did.
'Getting good' has meant that I know what I look like without make up and dressing up as equally as I do when I am looking my best. And truly liking myself at both times. Knowing what works and what doesn't work. And knowing how this shows up, again, in my home.
I have some friends whose house is quiet and casual, and history-filled and solemn but not sad. It's a Cape Cod, and these friends have not remade much. They take time to wonder about the place. I love this. Other friends recently moved to a place that works well for all of their 1960s style pieces. They are building things, knowing that the right furniture will come for a certain space at the right time. Other friends have stuff from all over the world, and it's mixed with stuff from their whole lives. And it's settled. It's like it could stay there for 20 years and they would not feel the urge to move it. Old pictures of childhood, concert tickets that mark books. Their day to day changes, but some things do not. Some things are old enough in their history that when you ask them where they got it, they can't remember.
One friend from Bible study makes a point to welcome patterns. You walk into her house and feel the warmth of a new creative style. It's not too busy, and it's genuinely creative. Every time. And functional too. My sister's house is everything that inspires her. Things have a place, and must, because if anything is out of order in 400 square feet, you can tell. I think these are the things that unthaw a little when you consider 'getting good' all around you. It looks different for wide varieties of my friends. And I really love this.
Letting go of having to know a million details right from the start has also helped me understand how to discern new situations. I love this breathing room. When I realized just how aerial my view is of just about everything, I was quickly able to see what needed more attention and what could just stay far away. Breathe in, breathe out. The spaces stayed. As ridiculous as this sounds, I know that if I don't see all of the food in the fridge in one glance, I will forget that things are there. No fruit or veggies ever go in the drawers, or I forget about them. And that's just sad.
And you learn. And you learn. And you learn.
One thing I have gotten over or understood a lot better is the look and function of my own body. I am GRATEFUL to be healthy. And now I know that I am a lot stronger than I first knew. I can do the long car trips and eat spicy foods and drink a fair amount without being really stupid about it. Ho hum. Who cares, really, about that? But I can also participate in life and enjoy that, even when I am not some intense marathon runner. I CAN run long distances, and other people can't. They get back issues and knee issues. Or something.
It's also knowing what I like to have on my walls and not buying chips for a long time. Sending a lot to Goodwill and saying NO to things when I KNOW I need to be an introvert and that just might mean drinking coffee and looking around on the porch. Or doing what I am doing right now, which is letting some sort of creativity trump the dishes. And, what's more, not feeling so WRONG for not wanting to act like a worker bee at the crack of dawn like everyone else I know. Getting things clean is not, at this point in my life, the very first thing that helps me when I need to feel better about goings on.
It's THIS.
Writing words, or the act of a pen in my hand moving across a page all for me. 'I write myself into well being' is not small thing. THEN I very happily do the dishes. All structure and lesson planning annd modern shoulds and shouldn'ts and expectations aside, this is when I feel like the artist with a brilliant hue found in all parts of her life. So 'getting good' is about time and space and creativity too.
In looks, this meant paying less attention to things people never see or wonder about, and more to how I feel in the clothes I wear. Wearing blush because blush is pretty. Smiling for real more often at more people. Having good posture. Being strong in a way that women are strong. Wearing the nice clothes every day. I started doing that a lot last year - why NOT, you know? Paying attention to good people right in front of me. Fun rings and curly hair and eyes that say good things to the world and comfortable dresses. 'Getting good' means that I know now one of my favorite things to do is get my feet wet and really NOT wear shoes whenever possible. It means laying in the grass at the park for as long as I want sometimes, white wine (not red), Stella Artois beer, long hours on patios, and flats. (But sensible ones.)
I also think certain things, like grocery shopping or knowing the right words for e-mails got easier. And knowing when not to say anything. So that's been nice.
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