Closing

I can't believe it's been 20 days since I wrote on this blog.  The hiatus has not been self-imposed.  The schedule I've lived out, both at school and in LIFE in general has kept me away from whatever it is that sends me to type in this white open space that eventually becomes a blog post.  I last wrote about being a part of something very early and very still. 

And I am happy to report that, despite the intensity of the life I'm living, there have been moments for 'very early and very still'.  I'm drinking coffee out of a mug from Molly and the windows are open, and I love spring.  It's nice to live on the third floor, as I've said a thousand times before, because when you go to the window, you first see the green of the trees, and when you really sit down to listen, it's the rush of the breeze that you hear before anything else. 

Every year I find that the most simple things in the spring are the most steadying to me.  Basic please and thank yous, color returning to nature, the creativity of different kinds of flowers, my old worn out desk shoved up to the window, marking a place of inspiration for me.  And despite temporarily intense stressors at school, there is also the magical moment every year when I realize I have planned out lessons to the end of the year, and that they will WORK.  And they will run themselves.  And I need to keep up with them and it will all be ok. 

Early and Still

Yesterday in my life the feeling of of being swept up and rushed along was no longer the order of the day.  There was a sincere and relevant time for things, and it made me feel that the momentum has come back.  My work makes sense again.  

I sent out the big 'D.C. info in May' spiel....the info we need, the timing, the import of it all.  That ship is in motion, and it's relieving that it's not all held by moi any longer.  It's out there for everyone else to navigate.  I find this kind of cozy and relieving...it's their trip after all.  I also made a giant project at the end of the day that took a million years to type out, revise, and structure.  But at the end of it, I said, 'Good job, Jessica.  You're going to use this for 5 years and it's actually not going to fall apart in front of you.' 

It's the happy reality of the 5th year teacher to be able to look at the things you create and anticipate the direction it will take.  

Verve and Dear Life

I'm just going to say it.  I have needed inspiration for a while now.  This season in teaching, this last month, is really tough, and I haven't found my momentum for it.  I find that this is kind of horrible.  What an awkward feeling to try and shake in such a lovely season like spring.   I think any teacher reading this right now might feel it....it's not specific to me.  But it's a lethargic, dull place I want to hold loosely, if at all.  Movement, please. 

I had a few experiences over the weekend where people I knew well said something back to me about myself.  We do not often see ourselves the way others see us.  I was introduced at a bridal shower, in front of a bunch of people I didn't know, as a very inspiring person and teacher.  And I certainly did not feel that way.  I felt sort of schluppy, and very paper-ridden.  Paper-ridden!  What sort of adjective is that for a person?  But right now it's the only one I feel. 

The upswing though, after admitting this feeling (and just a feeling) of a season...I have found this inspiration. 

The Rich Present Things

Is this how God inspired lace?  I think so.

It's a beautiful morning, and now suddenly here is life in the month of May.  I've been a little muddled by the entrance of such a good month....it's been a busy week.  On Tuesday morning, I woke up halfway thinking it was Saturday. (It wasn't!)  All week the kids were off kilter.  Everyone was.  None of the days seemed right.  There was a lot of good in them, but it was all mixed up.   It's as if the rudder of a giant ship has changed course and the rest of the boat is slowly moving with the intended change.   We are almost done with school. 

I woke up this morning from the strangest dream.  For all of the intensity of my life's work this week, the dream I had was nothing well connected to it.  I dreamt I was in my own classroom and someone came in and told me that I had to have a student teacher in the last month of school.  He barreled into class.  And when he came in he was just like someone I worked with a long time ago who openly mocked my style of teaching in front of students.  (How annoying, unprofessional, and traumatizing.)  In my waking hours, I have faced the feeling and figured it out.  And I do not let that style of passive-aggressive insecurity become a part of my conversations, especially in front of students. 

I would just not allow it.