Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Perceive

Ok, I really don't get the first two on the top.  But the others are very, very real.



The end of a Tuesday.  Many many things.  But I will just say that tonight I took a drive....back home from Minneapolis after a night with friends.  And I finally cried about the deep sadness I am fighting in this week. 

I said this before, but this weekend I hated teaching.  And now I am back to thinking it's ok again.  It is undeniably in my bones.  Whether or not I feel I am succeeding or failing at it on any given day is another matter entirely.  But I am still feeling a little traumatized by things that happened at a school last week on the East Coast.  You want it to go away but sometimes it's not so immediate.  Meanwhile, I am praying and praying and praying.  Confident, yes, normalizing the school day, yes, getting things done, I must....but still a little traumatized.

It was not glamorous today.  I am slogged in papers, etching out a schedule for these last tests and projects before break, minute by minute.  Everyone has a cold and looks sort of peaked, but they've missed so much school that their mom told them they had to go back.  We could all be in a Sudafed commercial.  It's gross.  I am trying to keep canker sores at bay (it's not working) and smile and take a rest and not eat too much sugar in the teachers' lounge.  (There are cookies everywhere.) 




But today, in complete fatigue, there were lots of really dear moments with students too.  You take time to look into the eyes of other people and you really see a lot.  Some moments with them were really funny.  Some were kind of awkward.  I had to be the adult and maneuver certain kids out of certain awkwardness they didn't even know they were in.  Yikes.  Teaching affords good things though, even when you're weary. 

And it's right about here, on a Tuesday, feeling like this, that I remember that these society-oriented jobs will suck the life out of you if you care too much or don't take time to get away.  That's why you have breaks. 

I believe in breaks.   It's juuuussst not here yet. 

In closing.....

I'll tell you what really tipped me off with the crying. It was Amy Grant. She was suddenly on the radio singing 'Grown Up Christmas List', which is a song my mom always liked in the 90s that I never got until I was an adult.  And now it's totally apt and I just sat there tonight, trying not to think about my canker sores and let the song get to me a little. 

OF course.  Amy Grant does it again.  




"Every once and a while, go away and take a relaxing break, and then when you come back to your work, your judgment will be better—because remaining constantly at work will hinder your power of judgment. Move some distance away, because then your work will appear smaller, and more of it can be taken in at a glance, and any lack of harmony or proportion… will be more effortlessly seen." - Leonardo da Vinci


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