Life Lived

Ok, it's kind of crude, but it's also symbolic.  And lends itself to the funny side of life.  If you don't know this reference, it's from 'Christmas Vacation'.  The Griswolds tend to keep it real. 

This is the first time I've had writer's block on my own blog.  Five times I've sat down to say something to the world, and four times I've held back, wondering what to say.  No longer.  I'm certainly not waiting for perfection to arrive.  I think I'm waiting for my world to sort of shift back to normalcy that makes sense.  Life has taught me that this is not always suited to what we want....in the end, it seems I am just looking for some breathing room. 


I'm doing alright.  Life has just been INTENSE.  That's the only thing I can really think to say about it.  It's been good and bad mixed together (hello, theme of bittersweet in life, especially after recognizing it post-Shauna Niequist books,which are eloquently written) and last week was no exception. 




The biggest thing I felt yesterday was how WEIRD it is to go from one track in your life to another.  Last week I was going in all different directions with  my extended family, and I was finally organizing my own house and looking things in the eye that don't always find their way into my daily life at school but are definitely part of my story.  All of those things can be intense.  Add to that the fact that I was sleeping on an air mattress, and my life was starting to feel like Audrey in 'Christmas Vacation', though I would hope I had a better attitude about where I was, and didn't dress too much like the 80s teeenager that she was in the movie.

Somehow yesterday teaching middle school felt tame in comparison to the other regular parts of my life.  And you could argue that it was the first day back, and they were off kilter and tired too, but I noticed a steady increase in noise level as the day went on, and that still seemed steadying.  Probably because I was in control and have to bring some stories to the table to share with them every day. 

Intensity last week, in all of those different forms, brought forth good conversation, a better understanding of life, and new perspectives that I need to hang on to.  It was very good to be able to sit at a table for a long time with family and linger over a discussion.  To drink coffee in the late afternoon with dessert.  To watch said 80s movie in order to symbolically ring in Christmas (though there are a lot of un-Christmasy things embedded into the language of Clark W. Griswold and Cousin Eddie, to say the least).  And even to have those moments in the car when everyone is mad at each other and you HAVE to continue to sit there, and in our case, continue listening to disco music from the 1970s.   That's what clicks on in the middle of Iowa when my dad gets sick of driving.

I saw the Nutcracker Ballet here in Stillwater, and even felt the intensity of all of the hard work those people, my own students, put into the production.  They work really hard.  And the ballet was amazing.  I was their super proud teacher.  And that part of teaching, making a big deal out of people, and letting them know that they are seen....that's the good stuff that teachers can't forget about.  While there, while enjoying the ballet, I thought about these parents, and my own, and all of the thousands of concerts they attend in order to show the support.  It's really a big deal when your parents just show up.  Kids need adults to show up. 

Not just for the ballet.  'Showing up' is a true theme that is very helpful to remember on the days when I feel completely directionless and imperfect as one teacher in the great wide world.  There are lots of expectations in the job...in the end though, it's very simple.  You show up day in and day out and do your very best, and the kids don't see half of those imperfections.  The other half they do see they are surprisingly gracious about...so there you go.   

That's why the other real life lesson that you can't get too far away from is 'Stay human'.  One of my good friends at school reminded me of that at some point last year when I really really needed it, and I have decided that this should be a common theme throughout in teaching.  That's when things click.  

And I see now that this could be applied to my life with family and anything else outside of school.  That's why I like 'Christmas Vacation'.  It's so real to me.  But they show up and stay human too.  I feel like my entire family did that really well last week.  Good, bad, or in between....it was all there.

Just like this moment.  Though we don't have RV toting cousins who plan to stay for a month like this guy.   And unfortunately we don't have those moose mugs.  Yet.

So I guess there are more themes embedded in November than I first realized.  This is usually what people discover when they sit down to write.  I see this every time, once I get past seeing the white screen and blinking cursor in front of me. 

There is more to say about last week, but for now, I will close here.  I have to make some time to practice 'Gloria' by Vivaldi.  Yes, I am playing music for the elementary school choir concert next week.  And yes, I put away practicing for much of November though the music was given to me in October.  I tend to be a procrastinator, but this does not truly reflect those tendencies.  Life has been full...I usually lean into practicing because it's stress relief.  Anyway, the point is, I'm rusty, and I've put it off.  And yes, Vivaldi is technical.  So I've been PRACTICING.  And it must continue.