Almost

 These lyrics are about as creepy and obscure as it gets but today, every time I had a few minutes of silence, this song naturally came to mind.  It was a good song to listen to when I stared out the window for a few minutes during my prep hour.  Today was overwhelming.  I HAD to stare at the gray clouds and the faraway trees to clear my mind.  This song helped.

Here it is.  Teaching is really rough in April when it’s gloomy.  Lots of things outside of teaching are rough when it's this gloomy for this long in April.  I'm just seeing it from Teacherville.

I’m hanging on to the little things that keep me going.  (Maybe we all are.)  I prayed the Psalms inside when I walked down the hall.  I practiced breathing.  I found my people.  I tried to make the gloom feel cozy…(it didn’t work, but I tried).  I took a break. Later in boldness, I forged on past a break when I thought it would just make me languish.  I reminded myself of my utter dependence on the Spirit of God for anything good.  (Teachers often like to think they can be in total control.  This is false.)  All of the little things that you learn to do.  




I kept it together, because now I know how, but inside I was so internally depleted that I could barely function as the surface-level extrovert I needed to be to make it through. Here I dreamed of spring and summer.  

Breeze past all of that though.   Do you know what I really wanted? 

I wanted to be in a canoe. 

On the water, with just the right amount of sunscreen on me  so I could know I wasn’t going to get really bad sunburn.  (I’ve got intuition about sunscreen now, a ‘knowingness' I did not have at a younger age.)  I wanted the sound of waves.  And time to float.   

Furthermore, I dreamt of campfires.  Twilight.  Early early morning with coffee.  Porches and conversation and peach tea.  Dew on grass. Silent summer at night.

 I can barely talk about flowers…I want to be seeing them so badly.  They seem SO late in coming this year.   Nature, being outside, space in a lifetime for these things…I need this.  Many people do.  I don't remember longing for spring like this though in years past. 

Sooner than summer, some spring-like version of all things I just described would be great too.   Outside class sounds fun...when we go outside and read books while laying in the grass instead of sitting at desks.  It's nice to learn that way instead and then run around at the end of class.  Stay human.  Keep the lesson short.   They are sick of being in desks.  I am too.     

I know it all sounds so dreamy, but it’s also just so nice.  These are the things that remind me that the world is lovely.  Change is lovely.  Spring is lovely.  And it's coming.   I am ready for new things.  Here I see that, based on my daydreams, I will also be doing much more camping again in the near future.