Life Lived

Ok, it's kind of crude, but it's also symbolic.  And lends itself to the funny side of life.  If you don't know this reference, it's from 'Christmas Vacation'.  The Griswolds tend to keep it real. 

This is the first time I've had writer's block on my own blog.  Five times I've sat down to say something to the world, and four times I've held back, wondering what to say.  No longer.  I'm certainly not waiting for perfection to arrive.  I think I'm waiting for my world to sort of shift back to normalcy that makes sense.  Life has taught me that this is not always suited to what we want....in the end, it seems I am just looking for some breathing room. 


I'm doing alright.  Life has just been INTENSE.  That's the only thing I can really think to say about it.  It's been good and bad mixed together (hello, theme of bittersweet in life, especially after recognizing it post-Shauna Niequist books,which are eloquently written) and last week was no exception. 

Gray With Bright Colors

Last week, in the middle of the crazy, I found myself telling someone new in my life about the death of my friend Kari. 

I lumped it into the teaching category of my life because this all happened at school.  This conversation with a new friend, though.....this was not like teaching.  And it got shuffled behind other papers and perspectives about conferences and the quarter's end.  But today it came back.

There were aftershocks that followed that conversation.  I knew right away that there would be because she wanted to give me a hug after we talked, and I hadn't thought I had said anything very definitive.  In retrospect, I DID, but grief has a way of becoming common.  It wasn't until today that I realized that she was the first person to openly ask me what has been lingering for a year.  

After something like that, what is different about how you live? 

Molasses

Finally. 

I am done with Quarter 1 grades.  They always take FOR - EH - VER. 

Say that like they do in 'The Sandlot' and you've got my feelings about technical grading and data entry.  Each quarter I find that I am hoping to glean some better understanding of self and grade book but I never love it.  I always push 'submit' feeling like I had to drag myself through molasses...technical details are just NOT my favorite thing.  However, this is a huge part of my job, and these are peoples' GRADES and their LIVES I'm dealing with.  So I go through it all very carefully.

Frost

It feels decidedly like November.  I am a fan of this month.  It’s a windy silent gray time more often than not, but it’s the calm before the storm, (literally and figuratively) and I like the reserved perspective it brings. 

Thursday

Sometimes Thursday nights are difficult for me.  And on nights like this, I have to be kind to myself.  I know it's odd, but it's akin to what others feel on Sunday night, and it's gross. 

Here's what happens.  My mind is tired, and my self is looking for ways to relax and still maintain momentum until Friday.  I refuse to do shoddy work or coast on Friday at school.  So where does the tired go?  It goes to Thursday.  My mind either shuts down completely and I feel delirious by 5 pm, or it races so that I feel a need to talk about everything in the entire world. I can see it so clearly, and it's annoying.

There's more.  I slow down on Thursdays because I refuse to be a martyr for teaching.  I like it too much, and I don't want to be a total drip about something I try to do well every day.   So I HAVE to stop and take care of myself.  People love to be total drips about things they secretly love.  Why?  Why not just rest a little and THEN continue on?  I suppose it's because you pretty quickly get to the bigger question of 'Why are you doing this work in the first place?'  And sometimes people don't want to answer that.