Proving It

I've been thinking a lot these days about not having to prove anything, and how when you become an older person you see that more clearly.   Ambition though isn't synonymous with having to prove something.  I think you can still have your ambition and thrive in it and people will love you for it.  

Instead, not feeling the need to prove yourself so much forfeits over explaining something in exchange for appreciating what can speak for itself.  


I'm going to be 30 in May, and sometimes in the day that thought just stands by me.  And I don't feel anything profound, but I still look at it and consider it.  Some would tell me talk of a new decade has very little bearing on my life.  The calendar switches from one day to the next, and you don't have to care about these things.   
  
There are other people in this world (my favorites) who want to stop and survey the world at certain points in their life.  They want to take a look at their own story.  I think 30 is a good time for that.  29 has been good for that too, but 30 offers a different hue.   Not as a pitch fork tuning all achievements or 'not yet there' hopes and dreams.  I think of it as really embodying your real self, and taking the time to be that instead of having to prove something you never cared about in the first place.  

Not having to prove something is SO refreshing.  It's been slow work, but work that breathes better in this year.  I've laughed more, been kinder to myself, walked through a challenge more gracefully (not much but a little), and seen a hazy sky in front of me clear more quickly because of it.  Not having to 'prove it' is beautiful.

I knew a friend a long time ago who inspired me because she inhabited herself, her very life and soul, so well at 29 and 30.  And there I was, all 20 years of my own story, impressed. What a beautiful and alive woman.  I wanted to be like her when I was 30, but in my own way.  I loved how she saw people and how she loved Jesus (tempered by life, yet so lovingly close to Him) and how she moved through life with grace for herself and others. Really, she lived it.  She didn't just talk about it.  She was raw and alive and she didn't bullshit anyone at all.  I have not forgotten this in the last decade, and have used this a marker for my own peace of mind.  At least when it comes to your age. 

By contrast, I do not want to envelop the cultural norms......the expectation that you should give up or freak out or zone out or shut down because of a number.  It's gotten more and more ridiculous to even consider this as a possibility (at least long-term) because as time goes by I'm so GLAD to not be in the early 20s anymore. Those times were charming and picturesque and deeply inspiring.  Those times were also raw and heart wrenching.  I LIVED them, and it's nice to know I didn't waste anything.  But it's also nice to get older and figure something out. 

I think the best thing I've learned in the last few months, and really gotten to live out, is not feeling the need to prove myself in order to make sense of the world.  I didn't even realize how often that feeling used to flood over me.  Or how I would manage it, momentarily shadowing the side of my personality that wanted space to live instead.  Now, here, I am more at ease.  I breathe better.  

I am kinder to myself than I was before. 

I could tell I was dwelling in this when I happily put sunscreen in my purse in anticipation of spring.  Your stance on sunscreen alone is a good radar for how you old you are in your 20s, right?  Two years ago I became fascinated with sunscreen, and so grateful that it existed.  I've been badly burned way too many times before.  It hurts!  What was I thinking...?!.....  

And that is, practically and quite unavoidably, also part of anticipating and becoming someone who is 30.  Cheers to living right where you are, happy to know and discern where those things are that speak for themselves.