I Knew, Knew, Knew

It's the end of a busy week in April, and I've been quiet.  

No social media.  No rushing through traffic to meet appointments.  No rigid pressure on myself that was never supposed to be there.  More this week I was the glorious mess I always am, and it felt ok.

On Sunday I looked my life square in the face and said, 'You teach middle school.  They're challenging sometimes, exhausting others, and also fascinating and hilarious.  They're draining.  Take better care of yourself.'  I gave myself a talking to, asked people I loved for advice, and then listened to them.   



Giving more credit to my work was refreshing.  I had gotten mindless about taking care.  Peering down the road and quieting myself really, deep down on a soul level before anything else even came at me.....Was. The. Best. Thing. Ever. 

Quieter living though is also a confession of pride in me, and my need for humility instead. 
It's arrogant to think I can do it all when I really know I can't and don't want to.
All that comes to the surface instead is maintenance of that idea.  And that is a decidedly lesser way to live.

This week I worked really hard at school.  The energy for this work ebbed and flowed in the usual way.  I felt both the aggravation of adolescence and the thrill of how they see the world.   I graded papers, wrote e-mails, studied history, attended meetings, planned for the trip to DC.  

But then, when I wasn't a teacher, I wasn't rushing off to five places, sitting in traffic.  I painted pictures.  I went on slow walks and read books I kept waiting to read.  I played the piano again and saw people in this world I love best.  I talked on the phone with friends I always miss and long to see more.  Sometimes I just sat still and drank coffee and listened to the clock and looked out of the window.  Spring is upon us lately.  It's a nice view. 

And all of this, my habits and ways, drew me to the voice of God.  So my prayers were deeper of heart, and prayed more lovingly more quickly.  I delighted in having Jesus as a Friend who was there with me, no matter the circumstance.  I let go of my rigid, clanging pride, and held the quiet more peacefully.  

Of course I don't know anything.  
Of course I don't know what is going to happen.  
Of course God can take all of my anxieties.  

It was that 'peace like a river' idea, and it flowed through my whole week.   Best of all, it was gloriously basic, even in the midst of the crazy.  

When the big, loud, world inevitably came my way, I knew, knew, knew peace already given to me that met it there.