Whoa

Oh hello, Unhelpful Teacher.  I think today, I might know exactly who you are and what you are all about. 


Tonight was Open House night at school.  It was the first 12 hour day I have done at school in a few months, but not something altogether unfamiliar to me.  I do that a lot in February and March, just to keep things going.   But it was a jolt tonight.  We had meetings and prep and planning and all the rest before Open House.  I am home now, and my mind is totally scrambled.  After weeks of talking to 5 people a day, I am now back to talking to 5 people in one minute.  And usually they all need help.

As I said before, this is Year Six for me.  A lot of the teachers are returning, and it's not a year of giant growth at school.  So we pick up very quickly where we left off.  It's like no time has passed at all, and yet it feels like a long time since certain things have happened.  One teacher came into my room today and said, 'I just keep eating.  It's like I can't figure out what I need to do next.  When to eat, where to go next, how to be here again.' 




This is the weird teacher week.  This is the week where we hear the bells and acclamate to the things that will be new to students next week.  By then, we'll know.  We won't be hungry at weird times, and we'll be used to wearing teacher clothes again.  It's mental prep, but it's  physical prep too. 

I am happy to tell you that I no longer have these anxiety dreams about what I'm doing right or wrong.  I used to all of the time.  Now I'm forgetting to do basic things.  Like today, I had the thought, 'Oh I NEED to print a syllabus again this year.' And the thought was foreign.  My brain is not ON. 

But school is next Tuesday.  So I hope it turns on.  Really. Soon.

I forgot a parent's name tonight.  Better yet, I forgot what her kid's name was.  And I taught him for two years.  I was really horrified.  Then I went so far as to mix up the younger brother, one I am now teaching, during an introduction.  Talk about your social blunder.  The first year I was a teacher, I forgot the name of my principal in front of all of the parents.  So I guess this fits into that category and I can move on.  But it doesn't feel like you can ever move on in that moment.  I turned to one of the teachers next to me and said, 'I need some solid ground to stand on.'  And he said something casual and sarcastic and noncommital until I said, 'No, for real.  I'm mortified.'  And then he said something nicer. 

Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, right?  That's what I'm telling myself.

Tonight I felt again, as I do every year, the weirdness of seeing my name all over the schedule.  Social Studies, and then, Christians, J.  And those are just words, but I watched it mean something to everyone.  And it's surreal to me because these kids are WAITING for their schedule, and the fact that they come to you during a certain time in their day means something to them. 

It doesn't meant something about me.  It's about their friends, and if their locker is close to their classes, and if things panned out the way they hoped they would.  But suddenly you are a reference point for their day.  'I have Miss Christians during 2nd hour so that means that I'll see you at your locker right after that.  We can walk to lunch together.'

And sometimes there is a lot of screaming and jumping around after that. 

In retrospect, all of the thoughtful timing of August is reaching a crescendo with the expectation of fall.  Students are returning.  We continue to prepare.  The excitement meets the hard work.   I am still glad I have the job I do, and I'm excited to see the kids again.  It's nice to see old ones come back and meet the new ones too.  

But at this point, I just need some sleep.